It's time I update my blog, isn't it?

Okay this holiday really swept me off my feet and still is! Some things change, some things remain. Some thoughts straighten, some thoughts tangle up in me. I feel like dyinjg and yet I'm living. I wish to move on to a nnew place but I'm just struck here. Will life eveer change? Will I ever change? All around me, I saw pple moving on, I wish I could too. But it's just so hard, I'm just so struck.

I just read an article bout love and hate and I feel like puking. Really puking. I wish somebody would be here. Will be right by my side and LISTEN to what I got to say and really care about me. Anyone. Girls, boys, gay, teachers, aliens, anyone will do. But who am I to blame? I always feels that I'm the one to blame for all this, I don't know why,cause it did not make any sense. But inside my head, there's a little voice telling me to give up, I'm the one that got myself to tangle up in this web of endless problems. I don't know where that come from, but I admit it's partially true. There was a period of time whenever I stared into the mirror, I end up hating myself to the core. I mean who is this girl, I hate her. But unfortunately for me, the girl is me. Ironic huh? I dunnoe. Sometimes I wish pple would just judge me for who I was, not through others' eyes, cause it's so not working out for me and it's isn't fair.

School starting and I'm fainting. I'm out of place, I am an misplaced object in someone else world. I'm unwanted. Kind souls out there if you're reading this there no point telling me I'm no and blah,blah,blah. And of course don't expect me to believe it. Lately I sort of tell some people out there about how I feel and stuff and they just shut me off and said I'm not and stuff like that. I mean Fuck you, you don't even know my life. I'm unwanted and that's it. I know it. I don't need the obvious and I don't have a face and brians so THICK to figure that out. And I certainly dun need some one telling me that I'm not and stuff. Because I'm not stupid, I know you lying to make me feel better but it's just not working, it backfire, big time. Get it?

Okay there no point being angry at the out th3ere and stuff like that. I'm a lunatic on the loose I know it. Misplaced lunatic, sound kind of cool huh? And I want to go lalala. Things crashed, my world crashed, all right on top of me. I hate sympathy. Today there's a girl who kind of held my hand and she like gosh, you okay? don't think of suicide and stuff like that. And I'm like I'M FINE. But of course I did not scream at her and stuff like that, I mean she nice. But nice is still nice NOT concern. And I'm so sick of that.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm weird , the way I'm using this entry to slash my anger against the world is weird. But it feels good to let the frustration out and stuff, feels good. Totally good. I don't care what you think, what you gonna say, what you gonna do. THIS IS MY BLOG AND I DO WHAT I LIKE WITH IT. IF YOU DUN LIKE IT THEN YOU ARE NOT WELCOME EITHER.

Okay, frustration, frustration and anger. I got to control it. But everything a blank right now. I dun care anymore. I want to die. But how?

I hate fake words. Hate sympathy. Hate love. Hate my family. Hate stress. Hate o' level. Hate everything that is in my world right now. HATEHATEHATE.

I'm having nightmares everyday, I think I'm dying. I don't know but I truly think I'm dying but actually I'm breathing. In one dreams I saw someone looking at me straight in the eyes and tell me everthing is going to be alright. I tried and tried, really tried to believe it but I just couldn't. I mean, even in my dreams I know nothing is going to be 'fine' again, so who am I kidding? And another instance I'm just running chase by something I've no idea. but suddenly my world just black out and I thought I'm dead,so dead. Even in my dreams, I know I'm dreaming. So I kept telling myself it's alright, I going to be fine, I told myself it's just a dream. But when I woke up, everything dark like my dreams, nopthing seem alright. And another time, I dreamt that I'm living and trapped in a stupid cycle. I mean I live in the same day for like nine times! Well even at the fourth time I just broke down and cried in my dreams and begged everyone around me to stop fooling around and I really don't want to go through all this and everyone acted like I'm the one insane and they like say, since when U live through this day before? And I am just forced into doing the same thing over and over again. Well, talk about lunatic being a lunatic in her dreams! Gosh, I'm out of control ,aren't I? But I'm having this dream practically everyday. I once dreamt that I have to sit through for o level forever because I kept failing until I'm too tired but they couldn't let me sleep. LOL. That's funny. Kept doing still I faint and when I woke up they forced me to hold a pencil and write and I'm just crying, "let me fail, let me fail, I rather fail than do this all over again." But they couldn't let me stop so I woke up. Thank god it wasn't true if not I just jump down the flat right on the spot.

Anyway long entry. It's up to you whether you want to read or not.Bye.