Today, I think I xone out for one moment. I want to say to those whom I happen to accidentally freak out lately that I'm sorry. I talked to her the day before. she''s clever and I admit that she did catch me in my words, although she did not show it out. I really think, think aboout all the things. She told me when a person is trapped or locked up, the person will never ever thing of the world outside the box and stuff like that. Some choose to get out while others choose to give in. I think a lot about this. I think and I think and I think. It's a simple question " Do I want my life top remain this way forever?". Simple but hard at the same time. I realli thought for some time and like she said that when a person is trapped they never think of the world outside, it's a simple fact. And I think " Do I want my life to be like this forever? Do I want to locked myself out forever?" And I tell you right now the answer is yes, I want to be trapped. No, to be exact, I rather be trapped, be locked, to be disconnected and lead an unfruitful life than to even gives the world a chance or to even gives myself a chance. I rather let myself die silently and kill myself by torturing my soul than to ever live again because the opposite of happiness is sadness and nobody can ever be happy if they don't know wat is sadness. I rather not know both forever.

I told her I did no wrong. I did not harm others, or even attempt to hurt others. Yes, I admit with the whoever anonymous that I'm self center but I rather be this way than to treat myself too carelessly and be hurt. I rather die and be numb and built a wall around myself than to allow others to come into my world. I read a friend's blog writing about me, saying that I push others away and yet saying that nobody cares. Yesh it's true, and it's a simple fact that nobody cares. You may think I'm crazy. I tell you when stuff happens, a lot of pple tell me that they cre, that they wil be there for me and stuff like that. But do you know that even strangers come up to me and said that? Said stuff like they do care. Okay, you might think it's great, this sound so much like a fairy tales, nice, loving world, ohh... everyone is so caring. Am I suppose to be glad? Because words are too easily said, too easily forgotten, they don't know wat they saying, they don't know that by saying that they are putting themselves in commmitment to the words. They don't realise that words can bring a person to life and it CAN kills too. They don't understand the heavyness of their words and of course they don't understand my total inability to trust anyone ever again. You might think that I'm crazy, insane or just think too much, but I tell you I don't believe. If there is anyone that ever cares about me, that can feel my own feelings and really, really loves me. The person is mmyself. I am the only one that love me, the only one that care about me, the onli one that feels my feelings. And I do realli, realli care. To bsee mmyself like this, if you saying that I'm hurting the ones that so-called "cares" about me, then I tell you, the onli one that I ever hurt or pain to see me hurting myself in this way, is me. I'm only hurting myself. Don't tell mew I don;t have the right to because I think I still have the right to do watever I want.

Finally back to blogging after days. Today was the usual rountine-- woke up, brushed teeth and went to school. Someboday hit me on my cheek with the ice seh. *ahem*.

Nothing to write already. I think there's no rainbow. Ever.

Hey,

Just wondering did anyone ever feel suffocate before? As in real sufocate? Not just emotionally but physically too? Lui Chang told me that if a prson commit suicide through consuming pills, than he or she will end up peeing in his or her own pants due to lack of control over muscle. I mean like, man that's real disgusting, I wonder if it's true or not?

I serioiulsy need a little bit of room to breath. I think I will suffocate in a roomful of pple. Saturday is nice, at least there is no one here to bother me about my stuff. In the olden days of Europe pple used to go fox hunting. A few dozen men chasing after a miserable fox running for his life. And the "bang, bang" resounded n its head and it was before it even know. Right now I feel exactly the same way. People just keep bothering me and intruding my privacy. I feel as if the whole entire world is cornering around me and trying to "hunt" me down and there is no way to escape. I WANT TO RUNAWAY. Can people just get off my back? When is it the last straw for me? Will I die? When will everything end? When will everyone give me a complete silent? When will I fall off the edge?


I don't know if anybody understand. But even if they do, I'm not sure I believe. I really don't want to be problemholic for anyone. I'm sorry if am. I just want to be alone. Don't bother me. I don't mind trival talks and smiles but if it gets more than that, like asking whether I am fine for like every 5 minutes ( I am NOT exergarating!! ) then I think you just went over the edge. Eiher U go crazy from asking OR I go crazy from hearing and answering. And in this case I think I go insane first before you do. I need to breath, BREATH!! You hear me? And I feel SO SUFFOCATED when you ask that. As if every of my actions is carefully scruntinise under your eyes and every little mistakes trigger off an endless questins of asking " Are you alright?". And guess what? If you not sick of asking, then well, I tell you I AM SO SICK of hearing and that not including answering. I mean what do you expect my answer to be? I hate people asking. I just want silent. If you think that is your way of concern then I rather you not. Because you seriously don't understand that when I said I am sick of hearing it I totallky mean it. SICK as in S-I-C-K, get it? I think I scream if somebody ask me that question again. I'm sorry, if that's really is your way of expressing you concern then keep it to yourself because you are pushing me over the edge. And if you claim that you are concern, then stop it right there right now.

Anyway today is weekend and thank god, I have got 2 days of peace for me to rest. RUNAWAY.

A few days ago, Miss Jane taught us how to write reviews, as in book review or movie review. The stars the writer gives means a lot on whether she enjoys it or not. Now I wonder on the stars of five, how entertain people are about my life? In simple words, how long do they want to put me on cage and display my life so that people can take snapshots of how pathetic I am. Will they rate me a big five stars? Or will they underate me? It's funny how people tells me how much they care when all they interested is in me telling them my problems and probably starting some pathetic rumors behind my back. LOL. Well, I certainly rate them FIVE stars for entertaining me.

Okay let me spill it, the craziest rumors I heard from them is about me being depress is because I cut fringe. LOL. I know the girl who had this rumor started. I mean, I don't blame her because I sort of joked about killing myself beacause of my bad hair cut. But come on, if she believes it, it's okay, but don't tell me the rest of the world thinks so too. I mean, it's just so crazy that even my grandmother can see through it. LOL. And people are coming up to me and asking me "why" and the infamous "what happen". But does it matters what I said? Because all they interested is in spreading lies about me. And I think I do have some human rights to protect myself because I don't trust people by their words anymore. I know not all of them are, but in general terms, to me, all humans are liars. Of course, that include me, because I'm just on of them.

I wonder what do the world wants from me? Because I have nothing more to offer or to give. I have nothing left, they taken all that I have and now they only left me still breathing not really living.When will the end come? When will people stop asking if I'm fine or not? Because I am not but I have to answer yes, afterall that is what they wants to hear. Am I entertaining them too much? Will they give me a five star review?