Today, I think I xone out for one moment. I want to say to those whom I happen to accidentally freak out lately that I'm sorry. I talked to her the day before. she''s clever and I admit that she did catch me in my words, although she did not show it out. I really think, think aboout all the things. She told me when a person is trapped or locked up, the person will never ever thing of the world outside the box and stuff like that. Some choose to get out while others choose to give in. I think a lot about this. I think and I think and I think. It's a simple question " Do I want my life top remain this way forever?". Simple but hard at the same time. I realli thought for some time and like she said that when a person is trapped they never think of the world outside, it's a simple fact. And I think " Do I want my life to be like this forever? Do I want to locked myself out forever?" And I tell you right now the answer is yes, I want to be trapped. No, to be exact, I rather be trapped, be locked, to be disconnected and lead an unfruitful life than to even gives the world a chance or to even gives myself a chance. I rather let myself die silently and kill myself by torturing my soul than to ever live again because the opposite of happiness is sadness and nobody can ever be happy if they don't know wat is sadness. I rather not know both forever.

I told her I did no wrong. I did not harm others, or even attempt to hurt others. Yes, I admit with the whoever anonymous that I'm self center but I rather be this way than to treat myself too carelessly and be hurt. I rather die and be numb and built a wall around myself than to allow others to come into my world. I read a friend's blog writing about me, saying that I push others away and yet saying that nobody cares. Yesh it's true, and it's a simple fact that nobody cares. You may think I'm crazy. I tell you when stuff happens, a lot of pple tell me that they cre, that they wil be there for me and stuff like that. But do you know that even strangers come up to me and said that? Said stuff like they do care. Okay, you might think it's great, this sound so much like a fairy tales, nice, loving world, ohh... everyone is so caring. Am I suppose to be glad? Because words are too easily said, too easily forgotten, they don't know wat they saying, they don't know that by saying that they are putting themselves in commmitment to the words. They don't realise that words can bring a person to life and it CAN kills too. They don't understand the heavyness of their words and of course they don't understand my total inability to trust anyone ever again. You might think that I'm crazy, insane or just think too much, but I tell you I don't believe. If there is anyone that ever cares about me, that can feel my own feelings and really, really loves me. The person is mmyself. I am the only one that love me, the only one that care about me, the onli one that feels my feelings. And I do realli, realli care. To bsee mmyself like this, if you saying that I'm hurting the ones that so-called "cares" about me, then I tell you, the onli one that I ever hurt or pain to see me hurting myself in this way, is me. I'm only hurting myself. Don't tell mew I don;t have the right to because I think I still have the right to do watever I want.