Memories

Hi, my darlings and all. Today was such an awfully weird morning. Not that something out of extraordinary ever happened but still the mingled mixture feeling of nostaligic and piognacies just overwhelmed me today. I kept reminiscing about the past lately, especially when I accidentally heard the song "friends forever" by vitamin C. =) I guess, by now most of you must have alreay come to the conclusion that there's no such things as "friend forever" anyway. No matter how real/true things seemed to be at one time, everything is just a facade and the pretentious meaning of the word "forever" fades. When it's time to bid farewell, sometimes subtly, but we all know unconciously that a phrase of our lives will just be gone for good and never come back. This is what I think and I felt.

I think only memories will determine some of the feelings felt. A light touch, a footprint in the heart, we'll all think about that when we get old and dying. And when we reminisce about the past, I hope all of us will smiled because it happened and you live once, and not cry with regret due to the piling procastination you trap yourself in. I wonder how I'll be feeling when I finally lay in a slump dyingin a state of stupor.

Anyway, life's as normal as usual. Sometimes, I wonder can anyone give me the precise meaning of living? Damn. It's been work, eat, sleep and work, eat, sleep again with sometimes the trival routine disrupted by a few movies and phone calls from friends. I'M JUST LAZY, OKAY!!!!! @$%^*%* =) Yun Xian is a lazy pig!!! I'm so lazy that I don't bother replying to people sms lately, sometimes even if it's important. And I'll just procastinate and say later, but then again later come and go and my later never come. And I'm so lazy to go out these days although my friends asked me out and I prefer to stay at home and SLEEP!!!! And I'm lazy to use the internet at home, so lazy that switching on a computer is a troublesome task for me that I rather not do it. I"m just so lazy that I don't even listen to the music in my phone because it's tedious for me to plug the headphone!!!! DAMN, LAZY YUN XIAN!!!

Today I had finally made a very sucessful attempt to sleep past the holy hour of twelve o'clock in the noon without having a stir or a flutter of eyelids despite the heavy, bright golden sunlight streaming through the frills of my curtains. Boy, aren't I just proud of myself? * smirk proudly*

Now, now, I gather that some of you should be having school right now, probably trying to slap yourself awake from the deep inducing sleep coming over you at these most unpleasant moments of the very lazy afternoon. Thereafter, you would probaly tried a very vain attempt to wake up from the slumber by imagine the piles of homework and the forever unfinish tasks that lay ahead of you.

SIGH. I DO felt indignant for you.=)

Anyway, I'm a boring blogger. Nothing to blog nowadays.

Everybody just keep saing I grow up in the wrong way, in the wrong direction, doing all the wrong things. Is it bad? I don't care. Seriously. Unless you people figure out what you talking and meant it. Then perharps I will.

ArgHH

Pain. Exquisitingly pain. It's the most weird sensation I ever felt. FUCKING pain. But it's that kind of pain whereby you felt that you had just drunk a dozen different kind of medicine-- from the sweetest to the bitter-est. If what the biblical people said is true, then god must have been in a great wrath incurred by Eve's sin to inject such exquisiting pain to all woman.

I'm feeling kind of pensive lately. Especially today. Gross. Feels like sprouting vulgarities but I won't. It's not good.

NEVER

I always thought that those who realised their dream are those who dare to pursue it with everything they ever had on the stake of the betting table. I always thought these individual have something others don't have-- they have courage. But I was told only a small statistic of people ever achieve it. Why?

Because they lack discipline.

And because they lack discipline, they failed. And because they lack discipline, they were lured by the devilish temptation and their faith swayed, wavered, then fell, until they were no more of an useless stump on the floor. And I know this could happen to me everytime I slipped a little, everytime my glance wavered at the horizontal and fell on all the things I could but never had. I wasn't a strong iron-hearted man. I wasn't the tin man in the story "The wizard of ox". If I were, I'll probably be so unfeeling that I'll never felt the tag at my heart, an urge to stop at every tree and rest, like the rabbit in the race with the tortoise. I'm stupid.

I'm thinking, thinking, all those pondering questions, all these damnation stuff. All these things I rather stuffed at my over-flowing wardrobe at the back of my head, discarded, forgotten, untouched. But I was rushed. I was forced to give some personal opinions to feel, to adapt, like Brad pitt morphing into his girlfriends' looks. Like a chamelien that nobody will ever notice. Until I died from a fatal heart attack from being a nobody. And then buried/burned like billions of bodies before me. And suddenly I'm scare of dying, not knowing what is it to live. Not knowing what it feels like to have my blood rushing to my head, dizzy with happiness because I achieved something. And I won't know what it feels like to have adrenalin flowing through me, rushing, flowing, getting me kick up for some actions. But I'll just be a chameleon, something which hides itself because it's plain and unnoticable. Who flees at every sound or fear of attack. Yes, chameleon. Chameleon Chan Yun Xian. A coward who have no guts. Chameleon.

Older post

AS I was reading through one of my private blogs, which addresses I gave no one, and also a few of my past hand-written journals, I was actually struck in awe of the audacity and my sense of writing displayed in it. =) Not that it contained any malevolent towards anyone, but still it did had and have a certain element of meaness and another side of me that I showed no one.

Okay, this is one of my entries written in my private blog:

(Extract from the blog entry named "Defination")
Even if a man lay dead lying at the roadside, if given a choice no one would give a damn about him. All they do was walked all over him. Happiness is essential in their life. But their very own happiness is created by their own illusion, self-comforting and ignorance. And their happiness does not exist. Who said love could bring everything together? Didn't they know love could be transfer from one person to another? Only memories determine and define love itself. But however, if a man were to lost his memories, will he sill love his very own beloved? No, I can assure you he won't. He will find a new partner, a new love. However when his memories return, he will be deeply confuse. Who did he really love? From this case itself, we saw clearly that love could be transfer, it is an illusion itself. Only memories made us love. So to be exact, we only love memories itself and no other.We are all lies created by ourselves to confuse and filled our emotions needs. WE ARE ALL NOTHINGNESS.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Wow, a rather strong entry isn't it? It's written last year when things and my optimisium started to go hay-wired. That was the beginning when I started to find an insatiable thrill with the feeling of the cold, hard metal of my pen knife against my soft, tender skin of my wrist. It thrilled me more that with a bit of strength I can cause an ugly red mark on my pale beige skin. =) Those insatiable joy, is beyond the understanding of ordinary joy felt by normal human beings.

And then there were more freakish entry which I rather not blog here in case you shall think I'm an eligible candidate for the asylum. I was rather insane then. But it was then.

And well, there's a lot of childish entries. Some even filled with girlish thoughts and fantasies. Yes, Yun Xian and girlish do not go well together. But I was only a child then. Again it was then.

And there was another side of me that was rather different from the "now" me. Something different but I can't really fathom what. Maybe it's the hard way I take life right now. Or maybe, it's just the thoughts that's flooding my head. Or maybe there's no difference really, just that time toughten some spirits and moulds a different craving and faith.

And then there was another public blog of mine badgurl010719189.blogspot.com, which displayed another side of me. More dreamy, I think.


=) Bye. Have fun reminisce the past with me!!!!!!

Phobias

I think I'm agateophobia (fear of insanity), anthropophobia (fear of society), arithmophobia (fear of numbers), chorophobia (fear of dancing), decidophobia( fear of making decision) and didaskaleinophobia ( fear of going to school).

Look, what school did to me.