NEVER

I always thought that those who realised their dream are those who dare to pursue it with everything they ever had on the stake of the betting table. I always thought these individual have something others don't have-- they have courage. But I was told only a small statistic of people ever achieve it. Why?

Because they lack discipline.

And because they lack discipline, they failed. And because they lack discipline, they were lured by the devilish temptation and their faith swayed, wavered, then fell, until they were no more of an useless stump on the floor. And I know this could happen to me everytime I slipped a little, everytime my glance wavered at the horizontal and fell on all the things I could but never had. I wasn't a strong iron-hearted man. I wasn't the tin man in the story "The wizard of ox". If I were, I'll probably be so unfeeling that I'll never felt the tag at my heart, an urge to stop at every tree and rest, like the rabbit in the race with the tortoise. I'm stupid.

I'm thinking, thinking, all those pondering questions, all these damnation stuff. All these things I rather stuffed at my over-flowing wardrobe at the back of my head, discarded, forgotten, untouched. But I was rushed. I was forced to give some personal opinions to feel, to adapt, like Brad pitt morphing into his girlfriends' looks. Like a chamelien that nobody will ever notice. Until I died from a fatal heart attack from being a nobody. And then buried/burned like billions of bodies before me. And suddenly I'm scare of dying, not knowing what is it to live. Not knowing what it feels like to have my blood rushing to my head, dizzy with happiness because I achieved something. And I won't know what it feels like to have adrenalin flowing through me, rushing, flowing, getting me kick up for some actions. But I'll just be a chameleon, something which hides itself because it's plain and unnoticable. Who flees at every sound or fear of attack. Yes, chameleon. Chameleon Chan Yun Xian. A coward who have no guts. Chameleon.