I'm so happy today. I went out with Joesph to causeway point after serving my two hour detention. To be exact, we didn't exactly went out together but we just chanced upon each other.Well, all I got to say is that for a small size boy for him, he got a loud voice.=) Anyway, I was really like hanging out with him. Hehe =D. He's 13 BTW aand is 140+ height. CUTE.
Today was pretty normal. Got back most of the result. SUCKS.

It was a tragic tale today. Okay that part was exegerating, in actual, the day wasn't that bad, if you get what I mean.

We got back over way too pathetic result today. Hehe. I guess I wasn't really too upset about it. It was a satisfactory result, the minimium of satisfaction. =) I passed my stupid physic MCQ which I didn't even study or give a hack about finding the correct answer.It was a plesant surprize. hehe. And humanities did suck pretty much for my case. I did pass and get a lower grade A. Well, the good news is, there are only two A1 students which means my score are still pretty desirable among other students. But the bad news is I know I can do much better if I study at all.

The only nuclear explosion of my emotions only comes after getting e maths result. The battle of the illogical.

A layout done hastily by me. Credits can be seen at the bottom of my side bar. Source code is a fusion of grace and blogskins. =D The rest including the modification of the picture is done by me.

Yay! All papers down and there's no more ugly, sucky paper left. Whistle. Grins.

Anyway, the atmospere today was much lighter than the past dreaded week. We chatted pretty much during the break time about haunted house and cemetry to IMH. Ha-ha. I realised that I did made pretty much of a few stupid mistakes for pretty much of the papers. Which is quite a lot. =).But it's over. Yes, over and there's nothing I could do about it.

I did a new layout about a sweet pretty girl killing a cute and rather smal kitty. Hehe. Evil girl, evil me. I might be postig the new layout soon or maybe today.

I want to eat cookies!! I spent much of my remaining time from the stupid exams fantasing about fresh chocolate cookies with ice cream as topping melting inside my mouth. Yummy, yum,yum. I just wished it was real.

Anyway after prelims I planned not to go to school beside friday to do the troublesome task of collecting my stupid and way expired worksheet. I had so much planned already. Like for instant, reverting my whole body clock to the like of the vampire-- sleeping in the day and waking up to study during the night. I might even buy a coffin for myself. Kidding. I hopes it work though.

I want to rest and eat now!! Tired and battered me.

Okay, so tomorrow's physic. The one subject I never understand. To me, it's just men's supposed-to-be logical logic gone haywire--all in the unappreciative mind of my head.

Later there will be "A date with vampire3". Wakaka. It will be fun watching the ugly vampire chasing each other to death. I love shows like this. It's funny and too much crap. =D

Going to study the subject I hated most later. Yucks. Talked about horrible nightmare.

Woke up at 11+ today. Tired and sleepy.

BTW, chatted with the primary school friend I chanced upon yesterday via sms and msn. Well, the conversation's short but we did managed to catch up the simple details of each other life. She can't really get over the fact I change a lot. Well, did I really change at all? =\ I don't know, perharps.

I haven't start revision yet. Damn it. I hated to rush things. But going to start now or soon.

Was laughing barrel of laugh over some stupid jokes my sister told me about some poor grandmother and lecturer. Ha-ha. =) They're funny. And the lecturer couldn't pronounce "atoms", so she said "a-tom" instead. I know, they aren't funny when written down, but they were funny when told.

Chemistry, physic and biology. They suck, simply suck. Yuck, they like some sweets that are really bitter and sour, still all the sweetness of it is gone. There's no more song to listen. Whatever lar. I still prefer my life to be simple.

Came back from causeway point. Well, so much for sisters' day. Hehe. It started weirdly with little words exchanged between us but it ended as usual. =) Sometimes I doubted if our relationship would survive at all. But it's more strange than weird. Perharps the fact that things always end up fine is foreige to me. But today was nice.

Saw an old friend at the neoprints shop a while ago. She said I changed a lot. Did I? For the good or for the worst, I hope that I will always be fine. LOL.

Mood swing a lot lately. I hope it's not obivious, at least I think it wasn't obivious. Happiness, depression, I'm just weaving to and fro. I can't seemed to smiled a lot and I dun have any reason for depression. Maybe it's the work of hormones.

I"m dead and yet I'm not. But I'm definitely dead sleepy.

I downloaded Maia Lee- Scum. It's nice. =D .

These few days, I'm thinking about some stuff. Well, it's confusing and irritating, the fact it's swirling round my mind practically 99% of the time. Btw, I'm no longer a vegetarian, I do eat meat sometimes. But only sometimes. So don't treat me like a freak. Whatever.

Monday's physic paper. If I didn't die at maths already, then I die at physic. I'm going out with Joycelyn later. It's another cheap date of our anniversary. But you couldn't guess what. Sista.

I love food. I love to eat and sleep. Hehe.

I just ate a particularly unattractive sweet. But it's delicious. I wished I could share it with all my friends, but it's brought from Hong Kong or something like that and the last one went down my mouth and tummy already. So there's goes the whatever sweet and sugar honey flavor it had.

Going back to do whatever stuff I'd been doing before. LOVE.

It's 9a.m. and I woken up! Gees. So much for sleeping through the morning. Whatever lar.

Anyway there's nothing to do so I blog. I was really cold when I woke up and I'm still cold now. The freezing cold kind of cold. And my feet felt like ice. Hehe. I thinks it happens because of the stupid enzymes kind of things. Just not working due to optimal temperature. LOL.

Yay, no papers today! It's great because there's no school for me too. I just hate school. I'm considering the prospect of disappearing into thin air after prelims.

I was asked to eat now because I didn't eat anything since lunch yesterday. Okay, beside a miserable yogurt as dinner. But it's not because I don't want to eat. But there's nothing left for me to eat! I ate everything up during lunch and I searched every possible ways for some miserable food. But being pathetic as it was, there's just nothing! Not even a biscuit or canned food, or instant noodles! Can you believe it? LOL. I hate living in this inhuman house. But now there's biscuits adding to my options. Creamy, chocolate biscuit. Whistle. Grins. I love chocolate, don't you too?

Anyway I'm getting lazier by days, I slept 5 hours of afternoon nap and slept at 11 o'clock at night again. =) I'm just a gigantic pig. Is this what you called life?

I'm just cold, really cold right now. Going to eat now. Bye.

Now I'm awake, my love for blogging had been all revive. I don't now why perharps it's the isolation from the rest of the world that drives me to blog nowadays. Don't get me wrong or whatever, everything still the same, except that I just don't feel like replying any msg via sms or msn and I just dun pick up calls anymore. So to anyone out there whom I have not reply through any of the msg you sent me, I'm sorry.

Anyway, I ate a double size lunch today. Gees. 1 bowl of fried rice, another bowl topple with plain rice and vetarian meat with eggs and some peas,corns and carrots to add to the spread. Wow, it's quite a spread, isn't it? Then after that I did what most girls would classify as a nightmare. I went to sleep, right after the enomous meal I had. Haha. I think I'll get fat. But it's my routine these few days. Yeah, and I forgot to add that I had a full meal during reccess. I wanted to eat more, especially right now, but there's just nothing to eat.

There's no paper tomorrow, and I planned to sleep right through the morning of tomorrow. Lazy, fat ass. But whatever lar. No paper, no school and no more pink forms!!

Stressed.

It's raining cats and dogs today with thunders and lightning, which set the atmosphere to an errie, yet comfortable darkness.

Believe me, I'm starting to question my sanity to why I even take biology. Yes, predictable yet unexpectabe, it was one hard, killer paper. A paper that kills me. Gees, but you should have seen the expression on my face when I was taking the stupid maths exams.

Okie, and so I was taking 913 bus home. It was fun. It was raining and because it was raining, everything seemed to be much funnier and more enjoyable. And that, is the magic of rainy days. We were talking, possibly classified as gossiping but it wasn't. Patricia, Gwean, Michelle, Su Qin, Carol and I was there. As usual, I was never part of their group, but it's nice to visit another world for fun. =) Anyway there were jokes and I like jokes on rainy days because it makes me feel all nice and comfy. Hehe. But smiling seemed so hard and my cheeks all aching.

Anyway, there alighted at causeway point and Fidurous came over and sat next to me. It had been the couple of times I talked to him. And ever since the last oral practice, my impression on him did change. I guess he's a nice guy. I don't know but it's the silent discrimination I had for all strangers. Hehe. And now that I know him, I felt like an evil witch, all because I misjudged him once.

Anyway, I went home all exhuasted and I'm heere bloging. I want to sleep.

So I skipped school today. You just don't understand, do you? I went to the docter to get some crappy MC. It all pays off for not coming to school. I hate prelims. You just had no idea how much I hate it. I hate staring blankly at the papers, I hate teachers scrintinising me like a bug under a microscpe. I hate to even try at all at some dumb questions I know I never get it anyway. Just gave up.

I did enjoy the trip home though. It was fun and enriching. I wished life could be that simple. Just simple smiles, simple happiness. Laugh. If only.

So, parts of my life crumpled up, the other just plainly full of craps. I haven't got any plan today and that's just what I like about it. Nothing planned means there's nothing for me to do. And I do like the art of doing nothing. Hehe.

I think I survive through everything because I always love history. Weird liking, isn't it?

Listening to 3 doors down- Here by me. It's cool, it's sentimental. Download it if you could.

It's exhausting. Prelims long and tiring. It just plain suck. Hais.

It was another morning of hectic chaos for me. The faact that I even survived through the days to come was scary. I wish one day I would drop dead and there would be no more exams for me. Yay, fat hope.

Today I woke up with Mr tan scrintinising my face asking if I'm okay or not. Yup, I survived like I said. I just dun feel like doing the paper so I plainly sleep through being even reading the questions. It's just another hour of a perfect display of my expertise of laziness. But who cares? LOL.

I now life dun work this way. But I dun want to be desperately hanging on to it.

It's all in a mess. It's all over. I wished I could grip onto something hard, hold it tightly and never let go. All these things, it seemed like a dream. A nightmare and at the same time wonderful.

I just wasn't in the mood today. I was sleeping througorout maths paper. I was tired and I'm still am. Saw somebody in the toilet today. Another mistake. I couldn't grip.

Tomorrow there's chemistry. Teach me about life ,please. What I said doesn't even make sense. I'm going cycling now.

Move on.

Today, I went to grandma's funeral. It just shows how time flies. I wish I could re-live my life.

I just eaten dinner. A big spread as usual.

Nothing to blog today.

I wish the world could stop spinning.

Yesterday night, I went out with Sze Hui. It was a different atmosphere, a different us. Hehe. We were just being un- us. LOL. But it was fun I guess.

I have nothing to blog in this entry. A lot of things swirling in my mind right now. I gt some things to say, but the words just don't seem to flow. I think if you are reading this entry, then please understand.

I'm different now, and so are you. Maybe two years plus of friendship seem so hard to let go. But like I said, memories, being just memories, are useless. It is plain meaningless.We all changing. You are moving on with our life and so am I. I'm not angry with watever stuff you claim or maybe think that I'm angry with. But I just need this period to think some stuff. U are fine now and so am I. We all have different path to go, there's no point hanging on memories that doesn't actually exist anymore. It's two years we been friends and it's nice being friends with you.=) But all it was, it's just another memories we have to put behind us.No point lagging each other with memories. We both tired anyway. I'm tired of hollow laughter coming out of my mouth, forcing to laugh another joke, trying to be "myself". and you tired of my constant moodswing you dun even understand why I'm like this in the first place anyway. So thanks for being such a good friend.


=)

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on educationYou may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.
The right job for you:You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

It's 3a.m. plus in the morning. Since I have nothing better to do, I blog. My whole family went to some funeral today, nobody bother to come home. In a way it felt empty but the funny thing is, it felt even more empty with them around. At least now it's the cold hard darkness that greets me, no longer the non-existence feeling you give me each time I feel you.

I like staying home alone. No more critical voice, no more feeling unwanted. I can do what I like, like what I'm doing right now-- switching the volome of the music to my satisdfaction. Haha.

Oh yeah, btw, I change my layout in case you dun notice it. I didn't like it that much. It is just some dumb layout I did for the sake of doing but I didn't like it. I did not even use any brush on that dumb image. But I just like the picture with the knife behind it. It's so sinister as if something bad, really bad is going to happen.

The world is so materialistic out there. I hate it. I plan to lock myself and contact only a few friends after O'level. I plan to move out. I plan to work to save my ass. I plan to lock myself in my own world. I plan to die. haha. But it's all just a plan. I wish I have what it takes. I wish for all my plan to fall in place. But it's just so hard for everything to be perfect. It's just so hard.

I want to study, I want to do stuff. But can the world stop harrasing my way of doing things? Can I stop going with the world pace? Can I just be myself. It's just so frustrating hard.

Listening to good charlotte -We believe. It' nice. There's a thing called faith. Just hang on to anything and believe in what you do. We all fall. We all cry. We all get hurt. And when we do, suddenly, life's became a thin string in the cold night air. Just hang on and believe you get there or whatever. Seeing and believing the things unseen. Believing that you will get better although you dun think so. So whatever.

Sharing is fun. I like sharing.

It's now 4 a.m. in the morning. Hehe. I'm going cycling later. I think so. It'll be fun. Fresh air. Cold morning.

Today english exam was exhauting. I hate it. Nobody's home right now. that's great. <3

Anyway talk to Dinah earlier on. Recess was fun. We ordered noodles. In the end I couldn't finish mine, so Jason, Min Shi and Dinah ate a few bites.

On Monday, my counsellor going away. Why did everyone have to leave? I hate farewell scene. I hate it ever so much. Am I cursed or what? Why did people I care about so much always went away in the end? I wish I was better, I wish I was fun. But I wasn't. I couldn't make them stay anyway. And I hate it even more that the fact that I cried, the fact that I was weak. Life sure sucks.

Just recieve news about the death of my eighty years old plus grandmother's death. It seemed so foreign as if reading the death of another being in the orbituary section. Who was she anyway? She was just another person I called "related" to me since the birth of Adam. A person that had a story weaved around me so tightly and yet I was never part of her life, her memories. The only regret that I had was that "it would be better", yes it would be if time would rewind but time couldn't. So let it be that she rest well in the soil of the earth.

It's strange isn't it? I cried when Miss jane and Juli left. However when it comes to my own family, I am paralyse of emotions. The pendulum of time always swinging and yet I'm draining away. I wish one day I'll see her again, then maybe I'll shed about the past and the fact that she had a missing grandaughter an I have a out of touch grandmother that never smile at me.

Today school was normal. I was just the ordinary me, trying to laugh at my own not-so-funny jokes. I got sick of life and I could see eyes scrutinising me, wondering what planet I'm from. Nasreen, mariam and me talked about horse. Neigh,neigh. Okay, that's about enough wasn't it? It was a mean gossip but I like it. Mother tongue period was so fun. And I just love the fact that the word "studying" is so far away from my life.

Yeah and yesterday was just a pathetic day that wasn't a pert of my memories. Biology practical was dumb. People did dumb thing and stuff. It was a joke itself and I seriously doubt the atitude of some of my dearest classmates. Did they ever take anything seriously? Now we were sort of disecting some fish. But being a insane saddist as usual,some of them just ended up taking all the dear organs of the deader fish and poke it with the look-alike barbeque stick which also so happen to poke my index finger right at the start of the hectic practical. however, Lui Chang was the one that set me thinking whether the rest of the world was just plain insane. She's one eccentric creature. Is it me or is it the world? Gosh, she actaully took the fish that was for biology practical and just cook it. It stunned me obiviously and the best part of it is that she actually eat it and shared it with us. I heard the taste was good. But haing a major phobia of fish, I declined and resisted eating even a crumb of it. It was sure an amusing sight. Wow, the wonders of human mind. But in one way or another, although I personally find it disgusting, I was definately more amused and impressed to actually notice it at that point of time. Dearest, she just makes a small wonder just being herself, wasn't it?

Mum and dad are still in the hospital now. I lovei t. No parents, no pressure. Hehe.

Make a few new layouts but just don't feel like changing. I grew sick of this one since so long ago but the thought of giving up something so familar scare me. I like security as much as a fish needs water. And the touch of familiarity just leaves me hanging on the thin air feeling breathlessly enjoyable. Okay, it sounds contradicting. Love it and hate it.

If I ever change my layout or maybe even right now. It be something gothic or something that seemed too sweet to be chew and taste. Spitting you out on the floor. It seems nice.

I didn't sleep a wink yesterday beside the 10 hours supposed-to-be afternoon nap. Hehe. Okay, here goes my day.

Woke up in the morning No, correction, it shouldn't be the word "woke" since I didn't even sleep. Well, anyway, went to school, there's a unmistakable timetable of the stupid physic practical test. Did it and done with it. Got it all wrong. Laughs and giggles. I just hate physic so much.

Anyway it was until reccess time did I felt that I was fully awaken. Nothing much happen. Everything's just normal. It's Eric's birthday today so I wished him a big happy birthday. Too bad a there wasn't a birthday bash.

Was telling Mariam some stuff during maths lesson. As usual, maths lesson was just another fun, giggles and gossips for the girls. Was laughing and throwing paper at each other. We all ended it with a smile. If only school was that much fun everyday. But as it goes, reality sucks.

I wish life were simple. I wish friends were all nice. I wish they were just them and I am just me. I wish to be free forever, untied by any stuff.

There's disapointment everywhere.

Hehe. Lyrics below by one of my favorite songs, called "better alone". Hope you like it anyway.

It's now 3:30 in the morning, I haven't sleep. And I'm not going to. Physic practical in the morning. I think I'll die first.

Yesterday was a normal school day. Mr Koo didn't come, so I slept througorout the

one and a half hours. LOL. then after that mother tongue, so I slept some more. =D Sleep, sleep, sleep was telling my sister I sleep and eat like a pig. But nvm lah. Counselors talked to me about my eating habit, asked me to change, then I there gave her the stupid smiley face. She was like a bit piss off like that. LOL. This is the first time she actually screamed at me. But then I still smiled at her until she cannot take it then scolded me. I don't know what I'm doing, I just did what I wanted to. Sometimes even me, myself get sick of me.

A lot of pple asked me to study and piriotise it first. I don'twant. I didn't even want to study next year. I know I tell this to some of the pple I knew and they don't agree with me. They said in singapore no certificate can die. But like I care like that, I'm dead already, doesn't matter how I live my life so I anything one. I know I just want to rest. I'm different from most pple, I need time, need rest. And I had to be strong because I know if I fall, I really fall and no one is going to help me up, only me. A lot of people had their parents' support but I don't, I only got me and still only me. Parents said if I don't go JC then they aere not going to sponsor me, so I must work. And work needs time because I need money. So I want to work one year and maybe retake some subjects and stuff like that then I go to the route I want. Mustv pray, must have faith. But I think I lost it and left it behind somewhere. Sorry God.

"Better Alone" by MELANIE C

I understand your point of view letting me go
But I thought you had more faith
Everything I've done for you
You made the mistakes and now you throw this in my face
And I have worked so hard for you all of this time and you cast me aside
I understand your point of view

But I can't seem to get my head around
All the things that I feel good about always seem to disappear
And every time I think I've got this all worked out
Something chews me up and spits me out
But there's nothing left to fear
I'm better alone my dear

You couldn't pick a better time to give me the news
Why don't you kick me when I'm down?
I'd always believed in you
Defended your name but you have not been true
I gave you so much of my life I've compromised and you tell me goodbye
You couldn't pick a better time

And I can't seem to get my head around
All the things that I feel good about always seem to disappear
And every time I think I've got this all worked out
Something chews me up and spits me out
But there's nothing left to fear
I'm better alone my dear

I know I really should thank you for setting me free
It's really amazing the changes I'm starting to feel
It's not gonna be long till I'm fit and strong
Deliverance helped me heal still I wonder if you ever wish you still had me

Will I ever get my head around
All the things that I feel good about that always seem to disappear
When every time I think I've got this all worked out
Something chews me up and spits me out
But there's nothing left to fear
No No No

I can't seem to get my head around
All the things that I feel good about that always seem to disappear
No No

And every time I think I've got this figured out
Something screws me up and drags me down
But there's nothing left to fear
I'm better alone my dear

Today went out with friends in morning till night. Went Stella's house at evening. Watch men in black. Erh..in my opinion, boring show. =X. I just didn't like too much action pact.

Sze Hui called. Hopes she's alright bah. Life's like that. Just rest for a while then walk the rest of the journey.

Haiz..Just din want to talk about some stuff.

These few days went back home late. Very late. Yesterday reach home 3+. The day before din even went home. Drink a bit,only a bit. But I still feel guilty after drinking. Cause I once promised myself that I will not drink, smoke or gamble. But so far only haven't gamble, the rest I broke it. I felt stress, very stress. Stress until the point I am at the brink, at the brink of everything and all the possiblities of my future is on the stake, on the other edge. Don't force me, I pray. I will stand strong, god please give me some grace.

Got a lot of things on my mind, all swirling, all spinning. I felt controlled, I felt amimated. I don't know wat I'm doing anymore. I wish the world would stop. Cut myself yesterday becasue of some stuff, in fornt of somebody. Want to say sorry, don't mean it. I don't even consider the consequences of anything anymore, until the blood came out,staining my hand a big ugly red. I don't know why I did that, I was drove to desperation in hoping that my words would be taken in seriously, so I cut. Cut in fornt of the person, after that I felt stupid and silly. I know my consellor will ask me wat happen tml. haha. Bad move, shouldn't have cut it before monday, now have to be question again. I also know some people are concern about me. I don't know, I'm starting to let people in into my life again. Starting to because I saw some people cried over me hurting myself, starting to when I saw people went all way out just to do tiny little things for me, starting to because I felt that I'm leting people around me down becasue I don't love myself a teeny weeny bit more. Sorry and thanks to all the people who is around me all these while, always try to be there, always take time out for me. THANKS. I can't promise I don't cut, but I'll try, and that's the best I can ever give now...

Dunnoe wat homework to do today. Actually prelim next week but I played this week away. Nvm. In a few months time I'll leave this school. I had everything plan. Maybe going to move out if I don't continue studying. Going to work. Want to take some time out for myself. Maybe a year long holiday may help. Maybe not.

Tomorrow will be a different day.

Stupid, stupid, stupid and still stupid.

I am still brooding over one of the calls I had recieved just now. Cheap feelings, cheap lies, I wouldn't buy that. I just felt so insulted and I don't know if you will even read my blog entries. If you do, I don't care. I hate the feeling that you think I would even eat right out of your hand, and be your little game. It was a mistake. Everything was a mistake. But it was you the one who was and still is a mistake. Everything just so wrong. You just have no idea. Cheap confession, cheap fone calls that promised lies, everything about you were just so empty. It was until to the fact that I felt no more disapointment when you lift me up and brought me down again. A fake smile, a crocodile's tears, how many times did you plan that? If everything you said was the truth then why did you try to hurt me? Then why did you wait so long just to give a simple call to say "hi"? Why did you lied again and again and again? It was expected ,isn't it? Everything was your plan. But it's not going your way anymore.

Today went back to school. I felt drained, I felt worst than being alive. I felt like I'm dying and I thought that I was having a fullstop to the word "life". Everything whirled past and it all seemed so unreal. Someday we all wake up and realise everything was and still is a dream. I forgotten. No memories. DELETED. Me, just me and me. Alone.

I really want to cut a deep, deep scar. To feel the blood seeping through my veins, to feel the pleasure of being alive. To force myself back to reality and to wake me up from my living nightmare. To dream of a faraway land. To live and forget. To recall my lost memories. To think that I was alive. To love myself deeply. To see everything flows. To stop the time for one second. To miss the blue sky above me. To catch the rainbow after rain. To stop the voices in my head. To live in uncornered freedom. To stop the dizzyness. To stop the world from spinning. To miss myself. And to miss everything that once matters to me.

It felt so dead to smile, to laugh when I'm not even feeling it anyway.I don't know why there's a pendulum of expression swinging. I tried to stop it from feeling hollow but that's the only sound that I heard and felt. It's tired, really, to live in a world you just don't care and you feel detach. To break into a million pieces and to feel like dying when you still living. To dream of death in your sweetest dream. To felt courage and faith faltered away to hopes for a new door open. And all this leads to a ladybrinth of nightmares, to sulk deep within you. You want to run, but you root. You want to cry but you laugh instead. To be a million miles detach and nobody can save you. To wish for the world to stop and you are suck in a whirlpool of lies. To dreams when you bound to fall. To climb only to feel the touch of gravity. To be sitting here tying when you lost touch of what you are feelings, and whatever you said just don't make sense even to you.

SUCK.