Stupid, stupid, stupid and still stupid.

I am still brooding over one of the calls I had recieved just now. Cheap feelings, cheap lies, I wouldn't buy that. I just felt so insulted and I don't know if you will even read my blog entries. If you do, I don't care. I hate the feeling that you think I would even eat right out of your hand, and be your little game. It was a mistake. Everything was a mistake. But it was you the one who was and still is a mistake. Everything just so wrong. You just have no idea. Cheap confession, cheap fone calls that promised lies, everything about you were just so empty. It was until to the fact that I felt no more disapointment when you lift me up and brought me down again. A fake smile, a crocodile's tears, how many times did you plan that? If everything you said was the truth then why did you try to hurt me? Then why did you wait so long just to give a simple call to say "hi"? Why did you lied again and again and again? It was expected ,isn't it? Everything was your plan. But it's not going your way anymore.

Today went back to school. I felt drained, I felt worst than being alive. I felt like I'm dying and I thought that I was having a fullstop to the word "life". Everything whirled past and it all seemed so unreal. Someday we all wake up and realise everything was and still is a dream. I forgotten. No memories. DELETED. Me, just me and me. Alone.

I really want to cut a deep, deep scar. To feel the blood seeping through my veins, to feel the pleasure of being alive. To force myself back to reality and to wake me up from my living nightmare. To dream of a faraway land. To live and forget. To recall my lost memories. To think that I was alive. To love myself deeply. To see everything flows. To stop the time for one second. To miss the blue sky above me. To catch the rainbow after rain. To stop the voices in my head. To live in uncornered freedom. To stop the dizzyness. To stop the world from spinning. To miss myself. And to miss everything that once matters to me.

It felt so dead to smile, to laugh when I'm not even feeling it anyway.I don't know why there's a pendulum of expression swinging. I tried to stop it from feeling hollow but that's the only sound that I heard and felt. It's tired, really, to live in a world you just don't care and you feel detach. To break into a million pieces and to feel like dying when you still living. To dream of death in your sweetest dream. To felt courage and faith faltered away to hopes for a new door open. And all this leads to a ladybrinth of nightmares, to sulk deep within you. You want to run, but you root. You want to cry but you laugh instead. To be a million miles detach and nobody can save you. To wish for the world to stop and you are suck in a whirlpool of lies. To dreams when you bound to fall. To climb only to feel the touch of gravity. To be sitting here tying when you lost touch of what you are feelings, and whatever you said just don't make sense even to you.

SUCK.