I hate crying. Hate the feelings of tears running down my cheek. Hate the feelings arching cheek from trying to force a grim smile on my lips. I hate looking dumb with tear-stricken face in some photos which I ruin it all. I hate all those pathetic smiles that people passed me with all those "everything's is gonna be alright..". Becasue it is not. I don't hide it. I hate the feeling of losing someone special. I hate the feeling of someone leaving. I hate the feeling that I know some dumbsters don't give a fuck about it and act like they do. I don't give benefit of doubt because pple abuse it. I know I'm not a good judge and I definately know that pple express their feelings differently, but somehow I had the sicken feelings that your expressions is fake. The way you smile, the way you cry. I just feel that you are not feeling it. But maybe you are. DOESN'T matter.

Sometimes silence is the best thing you would ever say. I don't cry for show, nor because I think that that is the right occasion. WHATEVER. I mean, I know I can always contact her through e-mails and phone calls. I do know a bit about technology in case the rest of the world does't see it. But I still feels sad. I don't choose to cry. Tears choose me. And not many people would understand that. I'm not happy all the time. I'm not even crying all the time, whichever way. But I think all you see is one side of me, sometimes I wonder if you see the other side of me, would you even accept it? Or do you try to shut me out, try to "make me feel better" in your so-called ways so that I'll be who you think I was, the one you always knew? But I'm not. NEVER was. (Not refering to anyone in particular but to the rest of the world who assume who I was.)

Miss Jane leaving soon. Nothing to say. I didn't know that "thank you" was the hardest words I would say and that I would choke on these words.I didn't know where to start or to begin. I'm paralyse.

Today was a boring saturday. Woke up and went cycling. Came home eat lunch and right now, I'm blogging after reading pple's blog and stuff like that.

I hate my o'level. BAH.

I hate my irritating supposed-to-be-accurate alarm clock.

I hate being near bankrupcy.

I hate being pissed off by my maths teacher.

I hate maths.

I hate Miss Jane leaving.

I hate having farewell party.

I hate to cry.

I hate seeing my friends upset.

I hate to even hate at all.

Whatever.So tired of life.

I thought I was on the bringe life and death. No, actually I was only exergarating. But seriously, I think this few months had been like totally hard on all the sec 4, having to battle through thick, tons of school work, living up to expectations and having a so-called normal social life. I'm definately frustrated, if you haven't seen it on my face already. And my illogical,irrational and happen-to-be colour-blind maths teacher is screaming down my far-from-happy face. I think it's part and pacel of life having freaks screaming at ur face sometimes in life, just hope she'll grow a eyes and for once look at the colour of the shirt she's wearing. Bright, red, extremely huge flowers imprinted on a black colour shirt isn't exactly on what I call to be on high fashion. NAH-

School was fine but my totally slacking atitude is getting on my own nerves already but still I haven't woke up from my fairy tales dreams and the unpenetratab;le buble of my "beautiful" world. But watever.

I'm kind of drifting apart from most of my friends right now.In a way, it's good. Through tribulations you will see who ur true friends are. I know I havan't been reaching out to anyone lately and some of my close friends or used-to-be close friends are actulli complaning that I'm puching them away. Iknow, I know, being there for anybody isn't easy and it definately wasn't easy especially if you don't know that the person needs you. I am definately not clarifying anything here in this entry but I like to say I had given up on some friendship. I think somethings are mean to be a past, a dream of a memory and that is why I am not even trying to close up the gap between us. Let it drift, there are many doors open for each of us. Maybe one day when you see me on the street, you would smile, or maybe you don't even recognise me. But maybe there will still be a flicker of familarity written in your eyes. But for know, let time stand still, then maybe we will understand.

I like to laugh sometimes. I hate pple to judge, I mean I am definately not a saint, I do judge and I think everyone in this world gossip but it's just a matter of more or less. Everyone lied, everyone have a moment of laziness, a moment of proudness and stuff like that and I am definately part of this sinful nature. But please, at least get to know the back of the scene before you say a thing. I lloked at some pple straight in the eyes and they looked away, I know it's guilt they looked away. I'm not 3 years old, I do read emotions written on your face, I know you are saying stuff about me. Mean stuff, stuff that are make up of liesand lies and lies. But I don't wish for yoou to stop, just want to tell you that I know what you are doing behind my back.

Uninterested, just so uninterested in pple's life. I don't want to know, don't feel like knowing,just feel like sinking, sinking deep, deep in my own world. I feel like trapping myself, I wish pple don't care, I wish I would be a total dictator of the word "self-centered".

Can anyone understand anyone's agony? Can anyone say that they truely empathise and trulely feel it? It's easy for us to say words out, like it's easy for us to say "foever". But did anyone noes that forever is a long, long time and that in fact, it is beyond the measurement of time. But pple don't get it, they did not know that they will be hold accountable to their words and that each of them should be resposible for their own.

In life, it's short. We don't have much time, watever it's given to us, it's not for ours to keep or to give. Because what we never had, we can't give or claim it.When is the next decade? When is the next century? When will I see the first sign of age? When will I die? When will I be me? When will we ever meet? We all never noe.

Lies, lies, lies and still all lies. How will anyone ever learn to let go and to trust?

Somethings you can't fight. Just because pple hurt you, you don't need to hurt them back. When I think of my life, it's all nothing but a waste of time.

I was actually a teeny weeny bit worried about my english. And trust me, if anything actually managed to spur up a little of wat's leftover of my pathetic whirlpool of emotions is actually worth the whole lot of media attention. I mean, am I a worry freak with pessimistic view or is it that everybody just too optimistic about their life? I hate to spoil anyone's bubble but I think with our school so-called excellent result last year, we'll be ebtirely god blessed if we managed to pass our english at all.

Today is sunday. And it sucks, sucks, sucks.

Can somebody stop this cycle? Sometimes I wonder if blog is a good thing or a bad thing. I mean here are pple voicing out their opinion and I mean, some venting out their anger. But it cause lots of misunderstanding due to tonsa of unspoken words and I admit I'm totally guilty about it..

Today is saturday. I felt neuseated just thinking sbout5 it. I mean the whole day with nothing to do. I doesn't sepell boring but it's aren't exactly exciting etither.

I realli felt second rated seriously. I mean bad grades, bad me. I don't really felt much dissappointment and I don't realli care about my result. But I felt like I am a dissappointment. Because I was happy about my result then, up until somebody cried because she got the same grade as my shit result. Then I started to feel as if my result is shit. Then I felt shit to be even happy about it. Then everything seemed shit because I get a shit result and I'm happy about it and it WAS shit and I was shit because I was happy about something that was so cheap. Cheap grades, I am second rated because I get shit result. And I felt unworthy to actually be called a student because of my shit result. Because I felt disgustingly happy about the shit and because I am a disappointment to everyone around me. But then again you would never understand.


Seriously I was very relived in getting my result and I was very happy then. But I don't know somebody's tears will kill me so much. I felt as if I SHOULD be sad instead of happy. And I think I am a disgrace to be living in this world and it is an even disgracing thing to call myself a chinese. And the worst thing is that I am actually happy then about my shit result which I toatally have no right to because pple is crying bout my result. But the thing is I actualli dunnoe how I should feel but I definately feel disgrace right now.

Today, we got back our results. I do't know how I feel about it. The feelings close to nothingness. A little tinted with happiness then it melted away, giving way to an odd feeling. Undescripable, odd, just odd.


Then I saw somebody I didn't eant to see today. An awkward smile exchanged.. How does t feels to smile at somene who backstabbed you two years ago and pretended to be your friend till now? I tell you it felt weird, as if smiling at your own enemy, knowing that the smile means nothing in extention of friendship. I wished I did not smile, but I did.

I wondered if min shi is going to retake the paper. I feel second rated (no offense to anyone), I mean, I really felt second rated because I was such a disappointment to others. And it's NOT because I did not live up to MY expectations but because I failed others expectations. I'm constantly living in others' eye, in a way I can't escape. I felt very pressurised, as in VERY in capital letters. I can't fall, this is something others don't expect me to, so I can't. I'm constantly measured up to another, and I aren't allow to live the way I wanted to. But it's life.

Did anyone tell anyone that complacency is one of the ingredients to failure? No, I'm not complacent, but I do happen to overlook small stuff that I can't reverse it. But who cares? It's done and gone with it. I don't want to look back but not the fornt either. Just struck, still struck.

I really don't feel like talking to anyone at all today. And most probably this feelng will stay with me for the next few days, so pardon me if I reply to none of the msg send to me via msn, sms or even telephone.

Today woke up at 3 oclock in the afternoon. My whole body clock is spoil but watever.

I don't know, the whole issue yesterday is totally breaking me up. Just when I thought things getting better, the earth just crumpled beneath me and shallowed me up. But I'm still alright, it was a huge blow but I accepted it already.

Guess what? When the person wrote that guess she wasn't thinking that much anyway. So now I won't think that much about her feelings when I write it openly write now.

I wanted to say to the person. Maybe it's a small matter to you. U obviously don't think much about it or the way you wrote it. But it still hurts because YOU were one of those that were by my side all this while. When I did stuff, U were the one that seemed to care. You took time to talk to me. Although there unspoken words, you always give me the impression you understand. I always thought you do. And although we seldom hang out, but when we do you shared with me a lot of ur stuff and in a way I opened up to you. Then comes all this shit. Then I realised you are not who I think you were. I don't trust you now and I don't trust myself much more. Look like it's another should-have-been-better friendship. But together we spoiled it all.

I dunnoe friends are so critical. I always thought that I can be watever in fornt of the pple I noe... then I was wrong as usual. Maybe U think I'm overreacting by usual, but I'm not. Istill have a certain sane in me that I can't deny. For goodness' sake, I plead u and beg you,please dun judge me or at least keep it to yourself so that I can't see and can't read. I think a few pple ight think I'm talking bout them. I just read something I wish I did not read, it's obvious the person talking bout me. In a way I felt backstabbed, a worst feeling that sad because it's hurt. And it still hurt, and IT IS HURTING even right now. I felt differnent, it's not easy to feel this way. I felt like U betrayed my trust and my opinion of you. I noe pple critised me behind my back, said stuff. But you too? Why you? Why you? I thought and I used to think that pple might still break my fall sometimes but I was wrong then. But I was mre wrong now to doubt this beliuef because U break my trust, in a way I felt U killed a bit of me. U are not who I think U were. U were being you but I fooled myself that U might just understand. Thank god I read what you wrote just now. I understand, I wo't even blame you. It's not your fault, it's mine for believing u. I fooled myself, u didn't fool me.

I wonder why I tell you so much things. Do you even understand? Do you even listen? Or you hear but did not listen. I'm tired of unfuitful relationship like this. Sometimes pple asked y I locked myself up. Now you noe the answer. The answer is another disappointment that pple brought in my life. But it's not their fault. I trust too much, I believe too much, I fool myself too much.

I promised I'll never trust again

Today is another day of mingle up emotions, filled with hollow laughter and fake sadness. I spent the day listening to friends' laughter and melody singing, except that I basically dun feel their emotions. I reallie don't know why, I dun blog this to try to get pple's attention but this is my blog I write wat I want.

They sang songs. Nice, touching songs, funny songs sad love songs. But it doesn't reallie matter anyway, I reallie can't feel any thing no matter how hard I tried. I think I love the feeling of numb anyway, it's nice and comfortable knowing that pple can't hurt you. I told somebody I dun care if my parents die in fornt of me. But the truth is even if I die, I dun care anyway. Makes no diffferences to me, so watever. I cool about dying But I no longer cut myself.. because it mkes no differences to me anymore. I dun feel, can't even feel pain. I no longer feel like I'm in control when I cut myself, so I dun. I think of ways to torture a soul, I think I'm cut out to be a great author that writes book to kill. But I dun want to be a servant of devil. I want god but I hope he doesn't want me because I dun deserve it I'm a disappointment itself, I should die and evaporate to nothingness.. but it doesn't matter anyway, Ican't live and I can't die. Does anyone knows how it feels to be caught in the middle?