I hate crying. Hate the feelings of tears running down my cheek. Hate the feelings arching cheek from trying to force a grim smile on my lips. I hate looking dumb with tear-stricken face in some photos which I ruin it all. I hate all those pathetic smiles that people passed me with all those "everything's is gonna be alright..". Becasue it is not. I don't hide it. I hate the feeling of losing someone special. I hate the feeling of someone leaving. I hate the feeling that I know some dumbsters don't give a fuck about it and act like they do. I don't give benefit of doubt because pple abuse it. I know I'm not a good judge and I definately know that pple express their feelings differently, but somehow I had the sicken feelings that your expressions is fake. The way you smile, the way you cry. I just feel that you are not feeling it. But maybe you are. DOESN'T matter.

Sometimes silence is the best thing you would ever say. I don't cry for show, nor because I think that that is the right occasion. WHATEVER. I mean, I know I can always contact her through e-mails and phone calls. I do know a bit about technology in case the rest of the world does't see it. But I still feels sad. I don't choose to cry. Tears choose me. And not many people would understand that. I'm not happy all the time. I'm not even crying all the time, whichever way. But I think all you see is one side of me, sometimes I wonder if you see the other side of me, would you even accept it? Or do you try to shut me out, try to "make me feel better" in your so-called ways so that I'll be who you think I was, the one you always knew? But I'm not. NEVER was. (Not refering to anyone in particular but to the rest of the world who assume who I was.)

Miss Jane leaving soon. Nothing to say. I didn't know that "thank you" was the hardest words I would say and that I would choke on these words.I didn't know where to start or to begin. I'm paralyse.